The more things change, the more they stay the same

25 Apr

Arguably the hardest thing a person can do is change.

In many cases, I am skeptical of one’s capability to erase a deeply seeded habit or mentality. Same thing goes with adopting new practices. But it’s possible. And I know this because I’ve seen it. Not often, but often enough.

In myself, I have seen many changes. Most pressing on my mind is the change that occurred from 106 pounds to now.

Me at my smallest, and most tortured.

I’m sure you are familiar with the disordered eating stories that most of my “kin bloggers” have posted. My tale is no different. I was bat-shit crazy, insecure, and obsessed with food and being thin. Doughnuts gave me anxiety. Pizza made my heart palpitate. And eating chocolate was comparable to masturbating while crying. (Of course that’s purely speculation. I swear.) Social situations were particularly tormenting because I love to go out, but the inner turmoil I felt towards the food that was there ruined the experience. I always ended up binging and feeling gross.

A noteworthy memory was driving home from my ex-boyfriend’s dad’s funeral. We had a lot of leftover food in the backseat from the reception. Earlier I had already stuffed myself till I fell asleep on a couch from a food coma, yet I still reached back, opened up a tray of potato salad and used my hand to shovel it in my mouth. If anything epitomized the pathetic state of mind I was in, it was that moment.

I don’t do that crap anymore.

As I was saying, I’ve changed a lot since then. Yes, I’m no longer as thin as I used to be. But I’m also not as crazy as I used to be. My relationship with food is a hundred times better. Not to say that it’s perfect, but at least now I can look at a slice of pizza and say “I’m going to eat the shit out of you” without hating myself later.

The reason I’m bringing this up is because someone on Twitter posted something about the saying “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”–the infamous thinspo and proana slogan. Once upon a time I agreed with that sentiment. Now I don’t. See? Change!

You know what tastes better than thin feels? EVERYTHING. Because if you are starving yourself to the point where you have to repeat this phrase to yourself, being thin feels horrible. It’s a JOB where you’re in constant fear of being fired. F that.

Now, that was the rational side of my brain talking. I like to think that most people have a logical, normal side and a crazy, irrational side. It’d be dishonest to gloss over the latter aspect in myself. As strong as my distaste for that phrase is, I can’t really look down on someone who says it, because the loco in the coco side of me still understands that sentiment in a way. I know, I know. I just went on this spiel about changing my unhealthy body mentality. Just hear me out.

While my food and fitness habits have changed for the better, there is still a part of me that wants to be thinner. The urge is certainly watered down from what it used to be, but if I’m being completely truthful I can’t deny its existence. In our society, the desire to be thin is so strong, I wonder if any of us can truly escape it.

For the most part, I’m confident with my appearance. I think I’m pretty balanced with the way I eat. I’ve been hovering around the same healthy weight for a couple of years and it’s comfortable. But there’s that tiny, little voice in the back of my head that says, Imagine how much better it’d be if you had visible abs and your thighs were each 2 inches slimmer.

The really sick part is that while half of me wants to squash that voice and just focus on being fit, strong, and healthy, the other half of me is clinging tightly to that mentality, refusing to let go.

I suppose that’s what my next change should be. Fully and truly releasing this fat loss fantasy and just enjoying the healthy person that I am.

At least I can say that these days I have enough sense to not make myself crazy over it. If I somehow learn to unlove fried food, sugar, and booze, then cool. But I’ve been long done with miserable restriction. I don’t hate my body anymore. In fact, I’m proud of the things it can do. The next step is learning how to stop making myself mildly dissatisfied because of 10 pounds. To not care. There’s the rub!

Sidenote: I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to lose fat, or get rid of a few vanity pounds. Just, for ME, I’m tired of feeling like a slave to it.

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3 Responses to “The more things change, the more they stay the same”

  1. sylvia April 26, 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    Werd.

  2. Otakitty Copslay July 20, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    That’s the only problem about being thin, or staying thin. That it’s a job you have to keep working at, and it starts to affect everything else you do.

    After a certain point I just don’t have the energy to keep up with that sort of lifestyle anymore, specially when everything else in my life is going so great, why torture myself over a few pounds, right?

  3. Pris Killingly September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

    First of all, lol at that pic w/ half my face and crazy red hair! But that’s obviously not the point of the post. I remember those days because I remember being kinda concerned about you. I knew you had enough sense in you not to go too far though (or I would’ve really stepped in i’m sure). Part of me I think was envious at your discipline (I still am! but I’m much more envious in like a “i’m proud of you” way now because you’re way healthier and you have a freaking following of folks who WANT to be as healthy as you! how awesome is that?!)

    I’ve had very short moments where I wanted to go down that path – looking at thinspo and starving myself in a totally unhealthy way (I’m wondering if you’re familiar with those thinspire LJ communities of way back when?). I think most people (certainly many girls) struggle with body image issues, whether they go one extreme or another or just go back and forth. It takes more guts to admit it tho and to work against it to be a happier, healthier person.

    Change is definitely possible. You’ve proven it to yourself. :)

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