Dear Artificial Sweeteners,

We’ve had a good, long run together, but it’s just not going to work out anymore. I wish I could say that it’s not you, it’s me, but I’d be lying. It’s totally you. I don’t mean to be so harsh, but we’ve known each other long enough and I think we’re at the point where we can be straight forward. Don’t get me wrong; you’ve gotten me through some tough times. Like when I was losing all that weight and I drank aspartame-filled diet soda to feel full. And you were there in countless cups of coffee, saving me a few extra calories and carbs. Oh, and by the way, I never liked your sibling Stevia. Stevia is a bitter, miserable ass motherfucker. But I digress.

I used to think the world of you cause you didn’t have any calories. Well, I’ve changed. I’m not so superficial anymore, and I’ve realized that our relationship just isn’t healthy. I’m ready for something different, something more natural. I’m sorry, but I need some real sugar in my life. I’m not sure what the long-term effects of eating your fake ass would be, but I don’t want to stick around to find out. I mean, everyone says that you cause cancer. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but either way, I’m over artificial food. So take your Splenda and your aspartame and your god awful Stevia and leave.

What's up with that circle? Is Splenda going all "The Ring" on me?

But one more thing. I don’t want things to end on such bad terms. So as a parting gift, I used you one last time while making this protein pumpkin bread concoction. And you tasted pretty good, too. But I won’t be sharing this recipe with others until I’ve tested it with your replacement–brown sugar. This is our last rendezvous, so enjoy it. And don’t think you can trick me into having another quickie.


8 comments on “Breaking Up with Artificial Sweeteners”

  1. Hi Allie, great post, I love the style of it. Just wanted to mention though, while the white powder Stevia is in fact bleached and therefore unnatural – Stevia itself is a natural sugar substitute that comes from a plant much like cane sugar. You can get it in it’s raw form, as a green powder, at natural health stores or online. Granted, yes it is an acquired taste 😛 but as long as you buy the unbleached kind, it’s not bad for you! Cinnamon is probably your best sugar substitute, and guess what? REAL cinnamon aka Ceylon (not that Cassia stuff that they sell as cinnamon) will actually help regulate your blood sugar! Fun facts! 😀

    Also, that pumpkin bread looks fantastic!

    • One last thing… Brown sugar is simply white sugar with molasses added to it, so it is still bleached sugar and not any better for you health-wise, if that’s what you’re concerned with. Raw or organic cane sugar is best if you’re going to use it 😀

      • My thing with Stevia is mostly that I haaate the way it tastes. I’m really not picky at all, but I…just…can’t. As for the brown sugar, I’m pretty sure I have some organic unbleached mumbo jumbo. Actually, I think it is organic cane sugar with molasses. I’ll have to double check the label. But thanks for the input!

    • Agave nectar is a type of natural sweetener that comes from the agave plant. It’s usually sold in syrup form. It does have calories, 60 per tablespoon. But it’s about 1.5x sweeter than sugar. Also, it has a lower glycemic index than sugar, so it won’t make you crash.

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