Dear Artificial Sweeteners,
We’ve had a good, long run together, but it’s just not going to work out anymore. I wish I could say that it’s not you, it’s me, but I’d be lying. It’s totally you. I don’t mean to be so harsh, but we’ve known each other long enough and I think we’re at the point where we can be straight forward. Don’t get me wrong; you’ve gotten me through some tough times. Like when I was losing all that weight and I drank aspartame-filled diet soda to feel full. And you were there in countless cups of coffee, saving me a few extra calories and carbs. Oh, and by the way, I never liked your sibling Stevia. Stevia is a bitter, miserable ass motherfucker. But I digress.
I used to think the world of you cause you didn’t have any calories. Well, I’ve changed. I’m not so superficial anymore, and I’ve realized that our relationship just isn’t healthy. I’m ready for something different, something more natural. I’m sorry, but I need some real sugar in my life. I’m not sure what the long-term effects of eating your fake ass would be, but I don’t want to stick around to find out. I mean, everyone says that you cause cancer. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but either way, I’m over artificial food. So take your Splenda and your aspartame and your god awful Stevia and leave.
But one more thing. I don’t want things to end on such bad terms. So as a parting gift, I used you one last time while making this protein pumpkin bread concoction. And you tasted pretty good, too. But I won’t be sharing this recipe with others until I’ve tested it with your replacement–brown sugar. This is our last rendezvous, so enjoy it. And don’t think you can trick me into having another quickie.