For the longest time I wholeheartedly believed that we were meant to be together. So it is with great sorrow that I must inform you that I’ve moved on. The past three days without you were not as difficult as I originally anticipated, and during that time I came to an important realization. You give me a lot of anxiety. Like, a lot. I thought I was slowly going crazy with age, but it turns out that it was really just you grating on my nerves. That’s not to say that I don’t still love you. There will always be a special place in my now-nonpalpitating heart for you. But it’s just not working out. The anxiety you give me is just too much.
Normally, a consuming, unreasonable fear would take hold of me by the end of the day, especially before my self defense class. My stomach would be in knots, my heart pounding, my mind racing. I guess everyone was right about falling in love with a bad boy. But in your absence I have been unusually calm. Much to my relief, I have had no trouble with “regularity” and my energy levels have been pretty good. I guess I don’t need you as much as I thought I did. I’m going to be honest…I’m having a rebound fling with green tea, but he’s nothing compared to you. My friends all really like him, but I don’t know. He just tastes like dirty water to me. I’m not looking for anything serious right now, so we’ll see what happens.
I know you thought you were in for the long haul, especially after I broke up with artificial sweetener. We both thought you’d be my number one forever. But anyone who secretly tries to undermine my sanity the way you do cannot hold that place in my life. It’s okay; I don’t blame you. I should have known better.
I hope we can still be friends. Eventually, when we’re both over this, I’d like it if we could catch up from time to time on the weekends.